It’s blasphemy in most business masterminds to admit weakness.
If something terrible has happened to you personally or professionally, you must have a positive spin on it. Your accountant drained the bank and ran off to Cabo with your secretary? Look at the bright side, two less destructive people in your life!
Pfui.
If you were betrayed, it’s perfectly valid to be angry, cynical, broken-hearted, or down in the dumps. The problem is these “darker” emotions are uncomfortable, so we try to get out of them as quickly as possible - one way is to deny them.
It comes perfectly natural because our whole society is built on the idea that positivity is the path to happiness and negativity the detour. And I get the other side of it - darker emotions left unchecked have a more visceral, ruinous effect. No one strangled someone out of pure joy.
But toxic positivity is a prison without walls that can keep you small and eat away at your essence, leaving you miserable.
What is toxic positivity?
When positivity is forced, it becomes toxic - meaning it will end up causing you harm. Forcing positivity into a situation where it isn’t the best fit is to deny reality, and I find when I fight reality, I lose every single time.
But toxic positivity is a sly, subtle beast. Instead of hitting reality head on - “It shouldn’t be this way!” - it throws sucker punches.
“Yeah, you had your testicles removed, but you already have children anyway.”
Or my personal favorite:
“Well, everything happens for a reason.” Okay!?
It comes from a place of caring, just misapplied. You see someone hurting and desire to help them escape that hurt. You don’t realize that you end up leaving the person you’re comforting worse off - because now they feel bad and misunderstood, more alone than ever.
Better is…
Healthy “Negativity”
I put the negativity in quotes because it’s only viewed as negative due to our skewed sense of unwarranted positivity. In reality, it’s precise.
My daughter gets in the car after school, slamming the door behind her. I say: “You seem upset.” I don’t try to cheer her up. She says: “My teacher is a real jerk.” I am inclined to argue with her about it. I know her teacher, a lovely lady. It seems unlikely the woman has a personal vendetta for my daughter. But I don’t rationalize it or rush to slant it positively.
Instead, I reply: “Your teacher did something that hurt your feelings.”
And off to the races! I now get the full scoop. I’m surprised how often my kids properly assess the situation, too. It’s easy to think that adults are better behaved than children, so you side with the adults, but now I’m not so sure. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that she can run the entirety of her emotion: from onset to peak to processed.
Result? She feels better and is happier by wading through the negative rather than forcing herself to feel happy prematurely. If nothing else, she feels heard and understood.
Forced positivity suppresses vulnerability, and if you don’t learn how to be safely vulnerable, the world becomes a scarier place where the more you coerce positivity, the more you suffer.
The Nuance of Affirmations
I still use them, just with care. For example, I don’t use the old stock “Every day in every way, I’m getting better and better.” I need to go full cognitive-dissonant to have that one feel right, so pass.
Instead, I use affirmations like:
“I can find calm when I get stressed.” Always - through breathing.
“I’m worthy of love.” Because I believe in my heart that we all are. No hard sell needed.
“I’m capable.” Even if my results aren’t what I want.
I still go dark, too. I’ll be dead a lot longer than I’ll be alive. In the grand scheme, I’ll be a tiny little mustard seed of a footnote in the annals of history, likely forgotten as if I’ve never been more. So what are the stakes? To me, it’s just being authentic, giving it my shot without regret.
And those negative feelings are part of that authenticity.
I agree.
Not everything has a silver lining.
Not every experience is something that will elevate us. In fact, some experiences can rip you apart so badly that it takes half/most of your life to heal - or perhaps never heal because you didn't have the means to access the people/resources that you needed to heal.
So, I am careful with what I agree to. And, anything that really invalidates my experience ends up feeling like a repellent that I end up moving away from.
Lots to glean here. From someone who can't afford therapy, it's good to get insight from someone who can. I appreciate not only your candidness, but also your insights. They seem to resonate with me, especially now as I am going through a rough patch again that I thought I had dealt with.